*OLD* August 31st, 2005- Crying Love, The Man Walked the Streets in Darkness

I`ve often struggled with the callousness of the human heart, and when i say `the` i mean mine, and when i say human heart i mean inability to cry. Thus, I have often struggled with the callousness of my own self evidenced by my inability to cry. However, in the past 45 days I`ve been working on the callousness. How does one`s heart became as such? I don`t know.
What I do know is that when I did crew, my hands grew really calloused and since it`s been about a year since the last time I picked up an oar, my hands have become uncalloused. In some sort of segway, I`ve started to tear during movies. Granted many are watched late (and I mean late) at night and by myself so that may figure into the equation, but I still have begun to be able to cry once again, though vicariously.
Last night I watched the Patriot from 3am to 530 or whenever and I got emotional at the scene with the little girl (Susan) who hadn`t talked to her dad (Mel Gibson) on the beach saying she`ll say anything, just don`t leave, rather than crying at the part when his son was shot. The lesson I`ve learned is it`s better to cry at love than at death. Take these facts as my justification.
If the average life expectancy is 75 years (significantly lower in most of the world), then AT LEAST 6 BILLION people will die in the next 75 years. 6 BILLION. It makes me think that while death is mindnumbingly inevitable, love is anything but. To see two people love each other is never a given and something to be cherished. For me, the seemingly mundane events like a daughter speaking to her father, a man waiting for a woman at a hospital, or a coffee with a friend at the wee hours of the morning, are the subtle signs of love.

Love deserves a fan, and it has got one in me.
So if you see some sign of love this week, smile and appreciate it. And if I die, I want my funeral to be like the music video Helena by My Chemical Romance. Wow. Anyhow, how my past week has gone. I was low on money to the point of living on 50 cents last weekend. So I walked a lot. Preferably at night so everything was closed and no need to worry about spending money I didn`t have. I had ice cream with a friend`s family and went to 5 hour church service (the first two songs lasted an hour, no lie, it was awesome). I ran out of clothes so I`ve been wearing shorts in 50 degree weather. I walked the dog, watched the most influential movie of my life, 7 Years in Tibet, spoke in Spanish, read in Spanish, thought of you (working the crowd), thought a lot about life as a twentysomething, and once slept for twenty hours (following an allnight walking and thinking night). And I learned to tear at love in movies, but not at death in movies.
Happy birthday to one and good morning to all,
josh bull

ps If you share this (love and death stuff) with anyone, I`ll deny it all.

pps For the musically inclined, I recommend Wires by Athlete (think about being the dude in the chorus), of course the video Helena by My Chemical Romance (admire the beauty and choreography), The Other Side of the World by KT Tunstall (look for the title rather than artist because I may have misspelled it), If I Fall by Amber Pacific, and Dutch Courage by The Spill Canvas (the last two can be heard on Purevolume.com).

ppps I`ll write another poem when I go to Sierra de la Ventana in the southern Pampas sometime.